shit hit the…. floor?

For those who didn't know - I am horrible at math. Horrible might actually be an understatement. I've had a math tutor basically since I was in the second grade. I mean what are you even learning in the second grade that a math tutor is necessary?

Let's rewind to a few years ago where my parents thought that a summer tutor was also necessary while I was in high school. I assume they wanted me to be "prepared" and "ahead" of the other students, but lets be serious. How focused do you think I was when I had to meet with a four hundred pound whale of a man who came to my beach house once a week and teach me math? If negative amounts of numbers could be applied to my amount of caring, then thats how much I cared. Anyway, so this man, who was probably in his late fifties, was the most obese person I've ever come in contact with. He was not too far off from individuals I've seen on that show "My 600 Pound Life".

One particular day - shit hit the fan.. or the floor really. After my lesson, he excused himself and went upstairs to use our bathroom. No problems there. My mom and I sat in the kitchen and talked about the lesson and what my plans were for the rest of the day. After fifteen minutes went by we were beginning to get a little confused and worried. Finally, he comes downstairs and motions to speak with my mom in the other room. When he turned around I noticed there was a brown mark on his pants. I thought nothing really of it - maybe he sat in a chocolate bar in his van? Would that really be too out of the ordinary for this guy?

He quickly left thereafter and my mom proceeded to tell me that this guy shit himself. Not only did he shit himself but he also managed to get shit all over the floor in the bathroom. And on our white bathmats. And in his pants.

After our entire bathroom was scrubbed clean with bleach and the previously white bathmats were thrown out, we thought we would never hear from him again.
Well weren't we wrong.

He called a few days later calling to confirm next weeks lesson! Are you crazy?! Someone couldn't pay me enough money to show my face twice in the same place after an event like that. This dude wasn't even making that much money! We obviously told him maybe it was best to find other options and he agreed.

I haven't seen him or his shit pants since.

I can't make this stuff up people. I really cant.

Growing Up Religious

Growing up in a semi-religious household was always difficult for me. My father was not interested in religion at all, while on the other hand, my mother was convinced that Jesus Christ was going to save us all from the devil himself any day.

I went to Catholic school for pre-school & kindergarden. When my parents put me into public school I was forced to go to CCD once a week. I had to partake in all of the sacraments, attend church, the whole nine yards. It was from an early age that I had decided that religion, specifically Catholicism, was not for me. I dreaded going to CCD and felt that the whole idea of religion was being shoved down my throat without any other options available to me. I felt completely engulfed in a group of people and ideas that I did not belong to. I felt lost & alone. 

My parents thought my absolute dread for any Catholic events or responsibilities was a phase. That any day I would just mature out of it & finally realize that they were right along. They were so wrong.

Thank god I grew up in a time where the internet was available to me. Researching religions took up a lot of my time when I was in middle school just to see what option was best for me. At the end of the day, religion in general is not for me. I don't believe in a god or a savior or anything like that. I don't believe in an afterlife. I don't believe in a heaven or hell.

After all of my research, I found that Buddhism is something that I relate to but on a philosophical level. Believing in reincarnation is not something I necessarily respond to in my own life but I do believe in a lot of the messages the religion is trying to put out there for everyone to live by.

Honestly, I will never truly understand why parents are so intent in making sure that whatever religion they abide by needs to be the same that their children abide by too. People are so different in so many ways and children should be exposed to all of these differences. Children should be able to make up their own decisions in what they believe in and see what is best for them. When I was growing up I wish that I had more of these options available to me. I felt very lost and confused as a child having to attend a school, a class, and religious events that I just absolutely did not believe in. I'm sure that not being a Catholic disappoints my mother, that I'll never get married in a church, or force my children to attend any of the religious things I had to. At this point its just not up to them - & it shouldn't have been from the start.

I've always found tattooing a beautiful form of expression and memorial for a certain important aspect of one's life. I'm not a big advocate for getting something not meaningful at all, especially something someone just thinks "looks cool" - those are the tattoos people usually regret. We've all met our fair share of people with the classic '90s tribal band tattoo, or the an infinite sign, or a cross… that they just got on a whim because they thought it looked cool. (Don't get me wrong, these are interesting ideas, but be sure you can back it up with something actually meaningful!) I am all for tattoos that someone can sit me down and explain to me something particularly important about why they chose it for themselves and why they want to keep it on their bodies forever; the minute someone just shrugs I get a little suspect. These individuals are the "shruggers" that I take issue with, at which point I excuse myself from the conversation that I regretfully found myself in, so I can go bang my head into a wall. My stories are quite simple but are both very important to me. 

My first tattoo I got relatively close to my 18th birthday. I had always admired the beauty and expression of tattooing oneself, so I had been thinking a lot around that time about what I found important enough to me. I wanted to memorialize this important time of my life with something that represented it. Art and art history had always been a huge part of my life, and still is to this day. I was about to embark on my first year in college and I was going to be studying my true passion: photography. Although not a photographer, Salvador Dali was a major influence in a lot of my creative processes at the time of my artistic career. His exuberant personality and creativity was something that I had hoped to embody in myself and my own work. I settled on a quote that has been said to be his last words, "I do not believe in my death." Although he would have probably spoke this in his native language, Spanish, I chose to get this in French, "Je ne crois pas en ma mort". I have always been enamored by French culture and the language. My true dream is to live in France. 

The second tattoo I recently acquired. A lot of changes have happened to me in the past year that it would take me three weeks to truly explain everything. Almost every aspect of my life has managed to change in a radical way. I moved cities, transferred schools, broke up with my ex boyfriend of four years, lost a lot of truly important friends, started dating someone completely different, adopted my pup, & have been dealing with some truly grounding family issues. I have the type of personality to never really talk much about how much all of this has really effected me, but it has. Some for the positive but a lot of negative too. I have always found it really difficult to remind myself to stay positive and to be grounded in any situation. Sometimes I just have to take a minute to gather my thoughts and remind myself of these important mentalities. 

The Om or Aum symbol has ancient relations to Hinduism and Buddhism, and often is chanted in the mantra, "om mani padme hum." I have never considered myself truly religious, but I do agree find myself relating to a lot of Buddhist philosophy. And although I don't often find myself chanting this particular mantra, I do often tell myself my own mantras in these times. I settled on the Om symbol to constantly remind me to stay grounded and positive in all times, no matter how hard it might be. I got it on my ankle as almost a literal reminder to stay grounded. 

Here's what I'm listening to:

Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac

&

As Far As I Can See - Phantogram

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Reliving My Childhood… One Sim Family at a Time

As I am currently being snowed in inch by inch, I will be/have been hiding underneath my blankets in my bed all day. I have also managed to somehow, miraculously, do something on the computer other than play the Sims 3.

Remember this?

Fortunately/unfortunately I have always been an avid Sims fan. I can still remember rushing home from school and just sitting in my room all night with my eyes glued to a screen playing the OG Sims. (Hello parents, this is why I now wear glasses to see anything) I would spend hours exacting a family, their house, their lives. Who can forget deleting the ladder from the pool and having them wave their hands in the air? Or having the stove catch on fire and the dreaded Reaper come and kill someone? I know that everyone has made their "dream" family, which consists of your perfect life, with your perfect spouse, in your perfect house. For hours my ears would be serenaded by the theme song from Buy Mode. Of course, no true Sim-er could ever play without the cheats…. rosebud ;:;:;, or as the game progressed: Motherlode. I have played the game through all generations of it, (Sims, Sims 2, & now Sims 3… Pets) and I am sorry to say that here I sit, ten plus years later, still sitting my ass behind a computer screen clicking away on a simulated game of life. Not sure if its sad, pathetic, or whatever, but at least I can do it now with a glass of wine in my hands.

No Habla Espanol

I'm sure everyone remembers what it was like to have your parents nag you the minute the school bell rang for summer break to get a job. Thanks to child labor laws I was spared the nagging until at least middle school, where my parents promptly decided that a 13 year old should be allowed to join the workforce. Although I'm sure that it is still illegal for a child of that age to be employed, my parents disregarded it and were shoving me out the door to apply for any and every job at the shore resort town where we spent our summers. When all the employers scowled at me when I asked for an application, I was extremely thankful for the laws of our country and was spared another year to bask under the summer sun without having to worry about slaving myself for minimum wage. 

Don't fret because the next summer it was the same agenda again and I was out searching high and low for any job that would hire a barely legal worker. Unfortunately the sketchiest Mexican restaurant on the island determined I was acceptable enough for their summer crowds. The owner promised me under the table payments and off the books so I didn't have to worry about getting taxed, but also he didn't have to worry about paying me anything close to minimum wage. My parents were excited to get me out of the house and actually accomplishing something, so of course they were supportive on my new, highly illegal, position. 

My first day I was shown the "ropes" of the restaurant business and basically instructed to do everything. I was to bus tables, clean the tables promptly after the customers were finished, clean the restaurant before and after close, bring all of the outdoor seating in and out before and after closing, answer the phones, and the best of all, take the orders…. in Spanish. Of course they had to be written in Spanish, the only language I had managed to spend absolutely zero of my brain cells on learning in school and failed. They had to be written in Spanish because the illegal immigrants cooking the damn food couldn't understand what the customers were ordering. For those of you who think I might just be a racist asshole, no, really, they were really illegal. Most often people ordered an item on the menu but got some variety of what the actual order was… "Oh okay chicken burrito with no lettuce or cheese?" Okay… fuck. "pollo burrito no lettuce no queso" The workers in the back would come to me and speak some form of Spanglish to try to ask me what lettuce was and I would just have to point. Maybe the customer ordered a beef chimichanga? Honestly, 9 times out of 10 they probably got chicken because I still to this day have no clue what beef is in Spanish. I wish I could feel a slight bit of remorse for the restaurant but the prices were outrageous, the food was mediocre, and I was basically slave laboring myself out for barely $5 an hour.

I proceeded to work there almost every day for two months. Of course I barely made any money, spent all of my time there, fucked up every order, and was exhausted at the end of everyday for busting my ass.  That quickly came to a close after I received one of the sketchiest phone calls in my life, telling me to "not come in for awhile" because "the state is inspecting the restaurant and because you're not officially on the books it would just not be a good idea…" I decided that maybe the best idea would be to just never to go back. Adios motherfuckers. I received a phone call a few weeks later from the owner telling me the "coast was clear" but I ignored that call from my Tommy Bahama beach chair faster than I ignore my self-esteem at a Taco Bell drive-thru. 

Just Another 2013 Post

I've been seeing this things going around in the blog-o-sphere so I thought I'd get my hands on it & do it for myself… even if its pretty unconventional for me. 2013 was a year for me of many changes, whether good or bad, in all aspects of my life. Although it seems a lot more bad is outweighing the good in '13 I'm hoping 2014 will be full of new experiences, people, happiness and growth all around. Fingers are crossed over here behind my computer screen for all of that.

January: I spent NYE in Manhattan with a million other people trying to watch the ball drop with my ex. NYE in NYC is the most overrated thing ever - don't do it unless you like being in large crowds and a million miles away from anything. The little pink thing in the picture below is Time's Square where the ball dropped…. Lame! Don't go! I also traveled to the Bahamas with my mama for a week because my school gave us a million months off. Many days spent drinking on the beach and soaking up the sun. Definitely missing that right about now.

(NYE in NYC)

(Dolphins in Bahamas)

February: My birthday month! I spent my birthday in NYC again with my family and friends at a yummy asian resturaunt - Nobu. Go! It's so yummy and make sure to get their rock shrimp, it's so good I definitely dream about it on occasion. I also finished up my internship with a photographer in Brooklyn that I had been working at for a few months.

(Brooklyn in snow & fog)

(Me & my good friend from art school)

March/April: Spent these months crazily creating beautiful artwork at my old university in Manhattan. I created a beautiful handmade book of all of my 35mm photographs from the first semester of school. I also became extremely fed up with the school and realized that I was not at the right place. I pushed back at the school before I left to try to create something more challenging for myself, but the staff and curriculum wouldn't accommodate me. I began my journey of searching for other universities under a different major too. March was also my ex's and my four year anniversary. We spent it in AC at Buddakan with free champagne!

(Buddakan AC)

May: Yay! School's out! Finals week at an art school as a photography major is absolutely crazy. Mostly spent hiding and painting, drawing, or, if you're me, all of that plus countless hours in the darkroom. Finals are a lot different at an art school and definitely more time consuming. My boyfriend and I had been drifting apart the last few months. I realized that what I felt for him just wasn't what he deserved and that it wasn't fair. We broke up and went our separate ways.

(My final for painting - a self-portrait)

June: I moved home to New Jersey and settled on a university in Philadelphia. I started my job as a law firm's secretary. $$$$$ Looking for apartments in Philly was madness and I began that craziness in June. Craigslist became my best friend again in that process. I traveled to New Hampshire with my good friends from high school and got to finally experience some real nature. I also began talking to a guy I had dated in middle school towards the end of the month.

(New Hampshire)

July: Summer in Jersey is filled with sun, tanning oil, sand, mosquitos, and humidity. Mine was filled with all of that plus moving into my apartment, working every day, and trying to find time to make it down to my parent's house at the beach. I began going out on dates with the guy from middle school and we realized how well we still got along. I also got my motorcycle license and my motorcycle!

(My baby - Honda CB 350)

August: Most of August was similar to July in terms of the weather, of course, and also with working taking up most of my time. I was finalizing my apartment and moving the rest of the furniture in so I could move permanently in September. I tried to see as much of my friends from high school as possible because they would all be going back to their school's soon. The guy from middle school and I started seeing each other and officially dating.

(Me & a friend on her birthday)

(Me & a friend from high school)

September: Everyone from high school was back at their prospective school's and I was waiting for mine to begin. I finished up my summer job at the law firm. I moved the rest of my crap into my apartment and moved in full-time. My dad and I went to the Muse and Cage the Elephant concert which was awesome! My new boyfriend, a friend, and I went to see Vampire Weekend too which was probably my favorite part of summer. Classes began at the very end of September. 

(Cage the Elephant)

(Muse)

October: My favorite month! I love the fall so much and October is the perfect combination of some warm weather still from the summer that hasn't quite given up, and some crisp mornings of the fall and winter months that are pushing themselves into the forefront. Halloween is also one of my favorite holidays other than Christmas. I spent the time adjusting to Philadelphia and my new school. I also adopted my pup from a shelter Atlantic County, NJ. My boyfriend and I went to The Weeknd, which was a fucking awesome show. Abel fucking killed it and he is so awesome live. I had bought the tickets and were front and center at the venue, minus the pit. Dopest thing ever. October was pretty good to me this year. 

(The Weeknd)

(Oct. 15 - the first day Sushi & I met!)

(Bringing her home!)

November: November was a hectic month, between trying to adjust to regular classes, my family's personal drama, and my boyfriend. I spent most of it hiding in my apartment with my new dog and studying for Biology. I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving and this year it was particularly depressing. My mom and my nana and I spent it at my nana's house. My brother decided he didn't want to go so my dad had to stay home and watch him. I ended up feeling pretty sick too. My friends from high school had their annual pig roast at their parent's house in NJ. My boyfriend and I went for about five minutes before he threw an embarrassing fit and we had to leave. I guess because October had been so good, November had to suck. 

(Sushi looking fall-ready)

(At the pig roast)

(The last few colors in Philadelphia)

(Exhausted from studying for finals)

December: Here we are! I started my blog a few weeks ago and I'm still definitely getting used to the whole blogging thing. So far it's for sure been at least something to do when I'm bored and a healthy outlet. I enjoy writing and I'm hoping someone out there likes reading! December was pretty uneventful. I finished up my quarter at school and got my final grades. No idea how I got a B in my Biology class but I'm super excited about that still. Christmas with my boyfriend and I was really nice. It was my first with a real tree (no matter how unconventional) and our first together. I had gotten him tickets to Anthony Green and that was a lovely night together. He kills it live too with The Good Old War. 

(Anthony Green)

Looking back on this year made me realize how much my life has completely changed in just a few months. I changed cities, schools, majors, boyfriends, friends, basically my whole life. There are a lot of things I wish I could have accomplished and I'm hoping I can/will do in 2014. 2013 was filled with a lot of personal realizations and a shit ton of family issues. Hopefully the new year will bring happiness, love, and way more concerts. If 2014 isn't any better, hell, they make alcohol for a reason. See you in the new year! 

Christmas at the Parents

I haven't had the ability to blog for a bit because I was at my parent's house and mostly I would be hiding at my boyfriend's house without a computer. Sorry!

(Christmas Sushi!)

Christmas at my parent's house was probably a similar experience as everyone when they move out of the house: full of awkwardness and trying to find any opportunity to spike your drink. Our usual Christmas Eve traditions were carried out as usual. The family hangs our stockings on Christmas Eve, reads 'Twas a Night Before Christmas aloud to everyone, and then watches a Christmas Story. Luckily this year I was able to have about three glasses of wine, anisette, and some Maker's Mark and Dr. Pepper. Because of all of that though I was definitely falling asleep after the leg lamp scene during the movie. I was so tired on Christmas Eve I couldn't wrap my presents last minute like I usually do but just passed out instead. 

My mom woke me up at the crack of dawn the next morning. She gets way more excited Christmas morning than I have in over ten years. After peeling myself from my pillow and realizing that I was awake before most of the earliest birds in the morning, I dragged myself downstairs to realize that my parents had put the presents out at God knows what hour in the night. We all opened our presents for a few hours and I sipped multiple mimosas with the concentration levels mostly favoring champagne. Mostly I had received a few books and perfumes I had asked for and this five-in-one music player. Basically it plays any form of music you can think of, from vinyl records to my iPod. It's dope as fuck. Thanks Santa/Dad! I've been playing my Black Keys and Nick Drake records all morning. All in all, Christmas at my house was pretty good this year especially because our family was finally altogether.. and I was drunk most of the time. 

(Christmas Day outfit)

(Mimosas, presents & Sushi)

(Sushi wanting to open her stocking)

Summertime Sadness

It's about that time of year again when the cold just gets to be too much and I begin to get way too nostalgic for summer...

(Stupid at Slightly Stoopid)

I'm seriously going through some outdoor concert withdraw right now. Tailgating in the hot summer sun from two to seven in the afternoon is one of the best parts of the summer. Getting to drink outdoors with all of your best friends and random strangers is definitely a top favorite activity of mine. Actually, really anything that involves getting intoxicated in the summer outside is a favorite activity of mine.

(Dizzy-bat enthusiast)

It's exciting knowing that you're going to see some of your favorite music be performed live especially with  some of your favorite people next to you AND while you're wasted?! Awesome. Sometimes just attending the tailgate is good enough for me - any darty (day-party) is a good darty to me. Often I'll find myself at some random event in Camden, NJ in the Campbell's Soup parking lot in the middle of the day in July. Come find me, I'll be shitfaced by 2:30.

(**Note the Campbell's sign**)

(Obviously sober at Jack Johnson)

** Warning: Sappy boyfriend post below **

The story of how my boyfriend and I met is so our generation. Rewind to middle school, to pimples, to braces, to me being "scene", to awkward encounters… to MySpace. My next-door neighbor who I had grown up living next to at my shore house and I used to spend hours locked in my room myspace-stalking profiles and looking at stupid youtube videos. She had shown me his myspace and I thought he was cute so I added him. We began talking somehow, I don't remember how that all worked. I probably commented on one of his pictures all desperate. (pc4pc!) I don't even remember how we got each other's numbers or how/why we even hung out in the first place. But we did and we hit it off. Enough to date that summer and I really did fall for him. We took each other's virginity. What I felt for him was real.

Unfortunately, when school started back up in September, he broke it off with me and broke my heart in the process. His excuse at the time was he didn't want to do a long distance relationship - especially with it being our freshman year in high school. LAME.

Eventually I got over it and started dating. I met another guy who I dated for four years. He helped me grow and mature into the person I am today and supported me through everything and anything. Towards the end things got really bitter between us and I broke it off - things just weren't the same anymore.

My current boyfriend and I had remained in touch throughout all the years and, surprise, the two of us had recently become single. We began talking a lot more and when the summer happened this year we started seeing each other a lot. The rest is pretty much history. The two of us have been dating for awhile and what I feel for him his crazy - I honestly don't know how to explain it. He's the funniest person I've ever met and makes me feel something I haven't felt before. We're both crazy and weird together. We're very passionate and extremely strong-willed people, but sometimes it blows up in our faces. Trust me - I'm sure my neighbors think we're crazy listening to us laughing and making cat noises one minute and then the next screaming at each other. Our relationship is crazy just like the two of us, but at the end of the day it's us two, and it is real and it is raw.

(The two of us on Halloween this year)