Caution: Rocky Roads Ahead

For those of you who don't consistently read my blog, (so… everyone) a week ago my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight in the middle of the night because of a giant mistake I had made. (Refer to: A Bottle Or Two… Or Five Kinda Day) Basically I got myself tangled into a web of lies because of my own past experiences and my own personal fears, which then escalated a stupid situation into something that really didn't mean anything to begin with. Thus causing a lot of yelling, tears, and emotional throw up all over the place for the past week. I have basically given him my lovely present of people having issues trusting me. 

I do this in every relationship just as things are getting perfect…why? Oh yeah, of course! Because I have self-destructive tendencies. As if I have some form of an internal switch to fuck everything up, I have found myself in another situation with me on my knees begging for someone in the most unhealthy way. In the past I managed to do some serious damage to some exes and I still don't even know why.. Maybe I'm terrified of commitments? Maybe I'm too selfish? Maybe I just can't have something positive in my life for more than few months. Its important for me to identify something so I can just be happy for once, and so that the others around me can be happy as well. 

It isn't helping any situations that every five minutes he changes his mind to wanting to work it out between us to telling me to fuck off. It isn't healthy for either of us continue in this manner.. he just needs to make up his mind. I do understand that it is going to take time to get back to a place of mutual trust between us, but I think that this relationship has potential. We work together in a way that is unlike anything I've experienced before. I know that it is going to take him time to forgive and/or forget, but his mood swings hit me hard every time and are extremely hurtful. As the insightful, modern day philosopher, Carrie Bradshaw once stated, "What to do? Rely on the same old needle point philosophy of forgive and forget? And even if a couple can manage the forgiveness, has any really conquered the forgetness? How do we forgive if we can't forget?"

Whatever happens to us is completely up to him. I have given him full reign to decide what he wants to do. Whether he wants to just give up and walk away, or put in the time and effort that would benefit us in the long run, it is now his decision. Whatever he decides, rocky roads are ahead for the both of us and I'll be here trying not to ruin everything.