Tuesday, May 27, 2014

shit hit the…. floor?

For those who didn't know - I am horrible at math. Horrible might actually be an understatement. I've had a math tutor basically since I was in the second grade. I mean what are you even learning in the second grade that a math tutor is necessary?

Let's rewind to a few years ago where my parents thought that a summer tutor was also necessary while I was in high school. I assume they wanted me to be "prepared" and "ahead" of the other students, but lets be serious. How focused do you think I was when I had to meet with a four hundred pound whale of a man who came to my beach house once a week and teach me math? If negative amounts of numbers could be applied to my amount of caring, then thats how much I cared. Anyway, so this man, who was probably in his late fifties, was the most obese person I've ever come in contact with. He was not too far off from individuals I've seen on that show "My 600 Pound Life".

One particular day - shit hit the fan.. or the floor really. After my lesson, he excused himself and went upstairs to use our bathroom. No problems there. My mom and I sat in the kitchen and talked about the lesson and what my plans were for the rest of the day. After fifteen minutes went by we were beginning to get a little confused and worried. Finally, he comes downstairs and motions to speak with my mom in the other room. When he turned around I noticed there was a brown mark on his pants. I thought nothing really of it - maybe he sat in a chocolate bar in his van? Would that really be too out of the ordinary for this guy?

He quickly left thereafter and my mom proceeded to tell me that this guy shit himself. Not only did he shit himself but he also managed to get shit all over the floor in the bathroom. And on our white bathmats. And in his pants.

After our entire bathroom was scrubbed clean with bleach and the previously white bathmats were thrown out, we thought we would never hear from him again.
Well weren't we wrong.

He called a few days later calling to confirm next weeks lesson! Are you crazy?! Someone couldn't pay me enough money to show my face twice in the same place after an event like that. This dude wasn't even making that much money! We obviously told him maybe it was best to find other options and he agreed.

I haven't seen him or his shit pants since.

I can't make this stuff up people. I really cant.

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